If I Lay Here

by Soliloquy on January 15, 2013

I love that song by Snow Patrol.

If I lay here…. would you lie with me and just forget the world?

My husband left me again yesterday morning.

He’ll come crawling back. He always does at the end of the week. But his life job is in NY now, leaving me as the nanny single parent of his children.

It’s fine.  I’m fine.  WE are actually quite fine.  But my productivity is decidedly… not fine.  For example, I’ve been in the same pajamas since he left.  Other than educate our son, I’ve done nothing productive since Sunday. I haven’t exercised, gone out or cooked. Heck, I haven’t even done anything unproductive.  I haven’t napped, haven’t read and haven’t watched TV.

I still have Sunday night’s episode of my beloved Downton Abbey waiting to be watched.

I’m just lying here in my bed, humming Snow Patrol, refreshing Twitter and waiting for hair washing day to come so I can exercise again.  I don’t feel sad, or blue, or depressed – just…. paralyzed. Unmotivated. And perhaps overwhelmed by all that needs to be done.

Done for what?  That’s the problem , I don’t exactly know.  A full scale move/ downsize to NY?  A partial move and family commuting schedule between home and a small apartment in NY?  HUGE change looms on the horizon for us.  It sounds like a lot of pressure… but apparently, it’s not quite enough to motivate me to declutter, donate and dump in preparation.

What is wrong with me??

It’s not ideal, but neither is it a bad thing when Spin is gone.  We really do okay.  (Most days.)  The worst of it is that when he is gone, there’s not much that motivates me to cook get dressed put one foot in front of the other.  And in that case, it’s a good thing he is gone.  Because otherwise, according to Pat Robertson, my current state of disheveled undress would be to blame for my husband’s drinking and our ensuing marital strife.  (Someone needs to take old Pat out back…..)

So yeah, stay in NY, honey.

Once there’s a time frame and a plan of action, I know I’ll spring into action, so maybe for these few dreary, rainy days it’s okay to breathe easy after school and just forget the world.

Is it?   If I lay here, will you lie to me?

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This Temple

by Soliloquy on January 9, 2013

Ever gone off sugar?

Quit carbs?

Given up drinking? (gasp!)

OR ALL THREE AT ONCE??

Someone shoot me.

For reasons we won’t go into here (but that are recurrent and rhyme with feast), I’ve given up anything my body can turn in to sugar this week.

(Seriously. One bullet will do.)

Actually, “given up” really should be in mock quotes. I haven’t been perfect.  I’ve done with best with sugar, but carbs? Keep you from feeling like you might die of starvation. And drink? Is mostly essential to single parenting.

If I’m being honest, I have the resolve of ….  well, I was gonna say an ANT, but ants are BEAST, y’all.  Determined, focused, hard-working, blasted little blighters that put me to shame.  Unless we’re talking about my resolve to have that drink, and then ants got nothin’ on me.  But that’s certainly not what we’re talking about, so let’s compare my actual resolve (or lack thereof) to something more akin to the swine family, shall we?

That’s right, I’m an undisciplined pig.  There. I said it.  I’m a fat girl trapped in a skinny girl’s body.

(And now YOU want to shoot me, too.)

BUT SUGAR DOES NOT OWN ME.  I’m all over the refined sugar.

And you know, the carbs. And the drink.

My body is a temple, you know.

Until Friday.

{ 5 comments }

Hope Floats

December 11, 2012

I would say I feel like I owe y’all an apology, and then I reflect on the past two months and think, “That’s ludicrous. There’s nothing I could have done differently.”  So I’ll thank you for your grace instead.  I really have wanted to update, but to say I’ve been under water is an understatement. [...]

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Well, I’m Off. TO AFRICA.

October 7, 2012

We all have these notions of thing we can and cannot do.  Will and will not do. Like leave your home state. Drive a mini-van. Become your mother. We bargain with God, “If you’ll just ________, then I promise I’ll __________ forever.” or “I’ll serve you Lord. Just PLEASE don’t send me to AFRICA.  Anywhere [...]

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I Took The Dog’s Valium. So What?

October 2, 2012

This story begins about 35 years ago and the details are verrrrrry sketchy. Suppressed childhood memories have that tendency. Something about always having cavities, never brushing my teeth “good enough”, needing my bottom teeth “shaved down” (???) and a terrible nitrous oxide induced dream that the horrible Dr. Hankerson and his evil nurse left me [...]

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God Wasn’t In The Fire. But Something Was.

October 1, 2012

The week was really on a roll.  I rocked the SIX shots I had on Tuesday.  (The nurse told me she was really good at what she does.)  The emergency passport bureau on Wednesday morning was a breeze. The dentist appeased my Dental Hygiene Guilt on Wednesday afternoon when he told me my tooth wasn’t [...]

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Channeling Elijah

September 24, 2012

Do you know how little time two and a half weeks is to prepare for a trip to Africa?? By God’s standard? PLENTY. It’s laughable, really. It’s coming together, y’all.  God is raising up people and throwing doors open.  I may have said ‘Never’ but I’m so glad I didn’t say ‘No’.  I’m still scared.  [...]

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More Momentum Than I Bargained For

September 20, 2012

So, there’s no way for you to know this, but if I could hyperlink to my journal you would know that I “blogged” on Monday.  Just took one tiny step out of this God-forsaken rut I’m in, hoping that one step might lead to another and create some momentum out of this mess I’ve been [...]

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Here Comes The ‘But’

March 20, 2012

I had every intention of “running” this morning.  I wanted to, was looking forward to the cool morning air, was excited about maintaining my four week streak. BUT. 9169. Nine-thousand-one-hundred-sixty-nine.  It’s not a little number.  It’s a BIG one. And it’s our pollen count this morning. It exceeds Atlanta’s record high of 6,000 back in [...]

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Remedial Runner

March 13, 2012

That’s right.  I’m a “runner”. Actually…. I’m a wind bag.  But “runner” falls easier on the ear, no? I know.  I know what you’re thinking.  Anyone who knows how I feel about *x%rc#se is disappointed in me right now.  If only I could forever embrace my sedentary lifestyle, life could be the bliss it was [...]

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