Humiliated

I’ve never really had a most embarrassing moment story. I’ve never walked in to the men’s bathroom in a public place. Never fallen down the stairs. Never had any kind of wardrobe malfunction.

But as of Friday, I’ve got one that makes up for all those years with no humiliating stories to tell.

Lawdy, have I got one, now.

Up at the lake, there’s a main cabin with a living area, kitchen, bathroom and two bedrooms. But behind the cabin there’s a three car garage with a loft above it that has been finished with two more bedrooms and a bathroom. That’s where we stay when we visit.

On Friday, after a drink or three, Spin and I had been flirting and I got the fabulous idea to run upstairs for, ahem, a quickie – so long as no one was up there.

Everyone was accounted for downstairs, so I put my plan in motion and Spin followed.

Ah, suh-weet success!

The stealth.

The speed.

The whaaaaaat?!

It was only a milli-second afterward that Spin uttered the worst words ever. Words even he couldn’t put a “spin” on.

“Honey – tell me you turned the baby monitor off.”

“NO! Oh, sweet mercy. Shut up. Was it ON?!”

It was on, dear reader. And it was working. Just the way it was designed to work.

(And lest you be mistaken, this is NO product review for Graco – although it could be, I suppose, because yeah – they work! A little too well, thankyouverymuch!)

Spin grabbed the thing and snapped it off not knowing what else to do and we. died. laughing.

Died. Tears streaming down our faces – don’t-look-at-me-you’re-making-it-worse laughter.

I don’t even know if I can tell you the range of what I felt. Spin was rather proud, despite the intentional emphasis we had put on the quick part of things.

Me, not so much.

Had I not still been on my back, all the blood draining from my head so quickly might have created another problem.

I have some new color ideas for Crayola.

Busted Red.

Shock White.

Can’t Breathe Blue.

Nauseated Green.

We tried to figure out a way to spin it. Lord, we tried. But, how do you otherwise explain what people KNOW they heard?

“Tell them I’m not feeling well. I won’t eat dinner.”, I grasped.

Sweet Lord, I just hope my parents and children didn’t hear it.

Second Coming of Jesus Gold. NOW would be just great, Lord.

And then it got worse.

We came out of the room and we weren’t alone in the loft.

Vanity was in the bathroom. How did she get upstairs without us knowing it? Had she heard? She certainly couldn’t know about the monitor.

I decided to just be bold about it as Spin slinked past us with his eyes averted.

Me: “Oh my gosh – we just totally had sex with the baby monitor on!”

Vanity: “Sweeeet. Well, good for you.”

Yep. No denying it. Gotta’ just take this one by the horns.

We talked “cup size” for a few minutes and we might have flashed each other to compare B to C – hey, I was desperate for a reason not to go downstairs and besides, that’s what sisters are for.

On my way down, I reasoned, hoped, pleaded…. Maybe no one heard. Maybe they forgot already. Maybe they’ll just be gracious about it and act like nothing happened.

Riiiight.

My brother-in-law, Mr, Mom, goes (in front of everybody), “Hey. Sounds like things went pretty well upstairs. You feeling okay?”

I looked at Mother, who was sitting mere feet from the receiving end of the monitor on the porch.

“Spin said you’re “not feeling well’.”

Me: (cringing) “Did you hear?”

Mother nodded.

Me: (rather under my breath) “Shit.”

Nina: “MOM! You just said a bad word!”

Could this get any worse???

Mother: “Well, yes, Nina, but she used it in a good way.”

I went inside to fix dinner and decided to outright tell my sister-in-law, too, before it got out.

Like Vanity, she was impressed.

All in all, everyone was pretty cool about it.

Everyone except Mr. Mom (who was probably just jealous). At dinner, everyone was complimenting me on what I’d fixed, and he had to ask, “Soliloquy – is it the best thing you’ve had all day?”

Spin answered for me.

“Why no, it’s not.”

Yeah.

What color would Humiliated be?