It Wasn’t a Nightmare? Um, I Disagree.

So I had this dream last night that a Mack truck was slowing backing up over my body and a sweet lady was saying, “Don’t breathe.”, as if a Mack truck would leave breath in my bones!

Oh wait. That was no dream.

That was my mammogram this morning. I only thought it was a dream because it was still dark in the wee hours of the morning that I had to be at the hospital.

What can I tell you? It was literally a combination of mash and mush that left me praising Jesus there wasn’t a power outage in the process.

It all started innocently enough …. with stickers. Stickers are good. I like stickers.

But these were no ordinary stickers. Do you know where they had to go?

I didn’t even get to put them on myself. (pout)

Talk about high beams, Beachy Mimi! Sheesh-lo-pete!!

Funny, I never thought of my girls as something that could be picked up. I’ve always thought of them more along these lines.

(It’s a snap.)

Yeah – you try to get a grip on the nub of one those things. See how long you can hang onto it….

But somehow this sweet woman managed to turn them into something that more closely resembled this.

I’m really not kidding. If I had any natural shape left whatsoever before this morning, its gone now.

You think I joke? The tech kept stretching them as far into the machine as she could. She worked at those suckers like it was an art form. Not unlike the way I stretch my pizza dough all the way to the edges of the pan. You know how sometimes you have to really prod at it to get it to stop shrinking back?

Do you know what I’m talking about???

And what’s with the “Hold your breath. Don’t breathe now.”???

HELLOOOOOO?? I couldn’t breathe if I wanted to!! Pure force sucked the wind right outta’ my lungs!

You may think 6:30am is a brutal time for a mammogram. Listen, don’t let anyone kid you. Anytime is a brutal time for a mammogram. I just figured I’d give myself the benefit of still being in a morning fog.

Or hungover.

Alas, the Baptist convention had only just ended as I left for my appointment.

I kissed the in-laws good-bye at 6am this morning, closed the door behind them and promptly asked Spin if he’d have a drink with me.

He declined, Baptist chicken, saying something about breakfast with his “accountability group”.

I told you. It was a nightmare.