Please. PLEASE don't make me.

So we have two days of summer left.

Did you hear that? Two.

And I have yet to take my kids to the local ecoli breeding grounds Six Flags water park. I’ve put it off just as long as I possibly could, wouldn’t you say?

I’ve never been the mom who plays. I don’t swim. I barely even feed my kids. Don’t laugh. It’s true.

So, in an attempt to reverse the bad mom thing, I’m taking the kids to the water park today, but oh God, I don’t want to.

I mean, I’d rather go to the dentist. (And that’s sayin’ SOMETHING y’all – because I’d rather be in labor all over again sans drugs than go to the dentist. I’m so not lying.)

Yes. This, I expect will saint me. Or at the very least bring welcome redemption for all the times I had to answer, “Mom? It’s 9pm. I’m hungry. You haven’t fed us dinner.” or “Mom. Could you just sit with me while I play Legos. You can bring your laptop.” or “Mom. I’m nine now. Do you think you could teach me to tie my shoes?”

Mother of the Year I am not.

Until today. Today, I expect something HUGE in the way of recognition. Because White Water goes ABOVE AND BEYOND the call of duty.

All week I’ve heard, “Mom. I’m SO excited about White Water. It’s going to be the BEST day.” And all I can think and say is “For as excited as you are, honey – I’m ten times more less excited.

Somebody? Save me? Please?!

Anyone need a kidney?

I’m healthy today. Can’t guarantee tomorrow.

I sent this email to every friend I could think of a friend last week.

Ash –

I would really like to appease the guilty parent within me and take my kids to Whitewater this summer.

Note that I did NOT say that I would like to go to Whitewater. I SAID I would like to appease my inner guilty parent. BIG DIFFERENCE.

Please, please, please will you go with us??????

We are free Tuesday and Thursday next week.

Please????????????????????????????????????

She said yes (but only to appease HER inner guilty parent), attaching this photo in response.

Disturbing, right? Eeeew!

Anyway, here’s the plan.

Operating under the theory that there is safety in numbers, all the kids can run off to do the rides and we can sit in the shade and only get wet as needed. But, oh GOD (and please don’t mistake me taking my Lord’s name in vain – I really am truly calling on the mighty name of Jesus) – HELP ME. The heat here makes getting wet a necessity.

I just know I’m going to end up in the hospital. Either with some sort of illness contracted from human waste or heat stroke. I know it.

I could follow my Nina’s advice and take Dasani and a squirt bottle to keep me cooled down all day.

What I wouldn’t give for a Val*um right now……

This is to say NOTHING of what it’s going to set me back in cash. Between parking, admissions, lunch and emergency room co-pays, I’m estimating I’ll be out $150? $200?

Do you know how many starving children that could feed? For like – a year??

Too bad guilting my kids into NOT going would make me an even worse mother than I already am.

If I make it out alive – I want a crown. A literal crown, a title and all the accompanying Mom of the Year accolades.

But if the blog goes unattended – I think it will be safe to assume the worst.